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Every “happy new year” brings many promises of change, a new year to right wrongs, a new year to start fresh, a new beginning and 365 more days ahead of you to be the best that you can be. 365 more days for potential “collisions”. I know I was so ready for 2019 to be over. It’s like subconsciously my mind just felt like I so needed the year to end because I was so ready for a fresh start (I’ve taken A LOT of steps forward in 2019 but I also took a lot of steps back and many of which I didn’t even recognize doing in those moments). I was so ready to move away from the desolation I kept finding myself in the middle of. My mind somehow convinced myself that once the calendar year expired-all my troubles would just magically disappear?!? Placebo, much? I would finally JUST be taking steps forward and no longer allowing myself to regress in areas that get challenging… Even when I am weak. I just felt so down in 2019 in every area under the sun-I just needed that 2019 grey cloud to end… to be over with… to disappear forever… I desperately needed the devil to exit my entire life for good. I’ve never welcomed new beginnings more than I eagerly anticipated waking up in 2020. I felt at rock bottom for the majority of 2019 and I hopefully looked to 2020 to shed some sunshine on my life (I mean there’s no where to go from here but UP?). As 2019 quickly came to a close, I realized it wasn’t just one year that I was anxiously waiting to end-it was an entire decade that was now coming to a close as well.
In the last 10 years, I faced maaaaannnnnny ups and downs. The irony of it all is that I started the decade as a single person (I was actually knee-deep in a divorce by the end of 2010) and now here I was welcoming another beginning of another new decade and single yet again (fucken eh).
I spent most of the last decade in a relationship and while that relationship is no longer, it was no doubt the one relationship that taught me the most lessons, tested me the most, forced me to make the most compromises, caused me the MOST tears I’ve ever shed in my life, and ultimately showed me the most about myself…. I mean, once I realized how much I had lost myself and was able to get back to being my old self… I watched my younger son go from being my brand new baby to an awesome little boy who is now anxiously awaiting middle school. I watched my older son go from being my only child to being a fabulous big brother to being an awesome high school athlete who moonlights as my amazing caretaker who is now anxiously awaiting college (holy shit, just even saying that out loud still doesn’t even seem real to me). I’ve definitely taken my share of losses along with the wins throughout this journey thus far. The biggest “L” in the last decade would have to be my diagnosis that came in late 2017 and like with many of my lower points-I tried to extract as much good out of the low point that I possibly could.
2019 was the year of the pig in Chinese astrology, I am a pig. I was excited and hopeful for what the year would bring. Fortune, good luck, happy vibes, and positivity was pretty much all I was looking forward to revelling in (“those with no expectations will never face disappointment”). I believe when I first read about what the year should’ve brought I was completely excited but as the year progressed I realized it was one thing going wrong after another and any and everything that could go wrong, would. By years end, I realized it wasn’t that the year wasn’t filled up with many great gifts-it was that what the gifts looked like in actuality versus what I expected in my head (they always say expectations is the root of all disappointments, right?) were quite different… Flawed in the beginning but in the end, when I realized what the gifts actually were, I was mind blown. The gifts I received in 2019, the year of the pig, MY year, were life-changing. The gifts were painful, embarrassing, humbling, and ultimately life-changing because it wasn’t a bag of money that just fell out of the sky (since I prayed for help in my financial situation), it wasn’t a man who came riding in on a white horse to save me (I had to WANT to save me), it wasn’t winning all this money thanks to my wonderful gambling addiction, and it DEFINITELY wasn’t any of the people in my life who wronged me- coming back to make amends (closure is owed to no one and more often than NOT, you get over the things that have broken you the most when you have to learn to forgive someone who was never even sorry). It was painful realizations about people I loved and trusted and poor decisions I’ve made living my entire life in fight or flight mode which I don’t know how coincidental it is but living like this triggers your nervous system constantly via the adrenal glands so this did make me question if there was any relation to my MS I suffer from present-day? Anyway, I realize the life I was born into wasn’t my responsibility but how I’ve moved through that life and will continue to move from here on out is MY responsibility and knowing and learning this about myself was the greatest gift I could’ve received… A friendly reminder that everything happens for a reason and everything that is happening is meant to happen and that holding onto things out of comfortability or convenience is the biggest disservice I am doing to myself..
I also decided I wanted to start a subcategory of blogs on my page called “NinjaTaxi Confessions” (same as my license plate: NNJATXI). I figured, I always have MS (duh!) so all of my blogs do not necessarily have to be about MS directly or always about how MS has directly affected or changed my life…. MS is always with me after all, right? Sometimes, more often than not actually, sometimes I just wanna vent about random shit, sometimes I feel the need to just purge what’s on my mind. While MS is always on my mind too, most times I’m just wanting to vent about some dumb shit from work, or someone or something that’s irritating me, or the latest most irritating DM received?!? You know, petty day-to-day shit. So here’s to the new year and cheers to the new opportunities and experiences. 2020, I’m setting myself free… Let’s get it!
-A hungry lion does NOT stay hungry long…