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Dear Diary,

How would I NOT make the very first non-MS blog be about LOVE…
What is love anyway anymore? Is it all the love stories you grow up watching on TV? Is it the mother and father who didn’t stay together? Is it the miserable married people you look around and see every day but they get to check the “married” box? Is it a constant feeling of anxiety, butterflies, and feeling physically “lovesick” all in one? Is it this constant plaguing feeling wondering how one-sided this really all is? Is it something you just welcome in with open arms and with no preliminary interrogation process (pretend “jaded” isn’t a real thing)? Or do you question everything every step of the way ensuring they earn their proverbial stripes? Do you constantly test it? Do you push it away as hard as you can and see what comes back each time? Do you play the game of testing parameters and strength to see how long before it breaks? Or is it simply forgetting all you know and all the past hurt and just allowing someone to take your hand while trusting you will come out on the other side together? I do think it’s rather simple… I’ve just mastered making simple, complicated…
You ever just met someone and they instantly made you feel like every dumbass girlie movie, book, meme, and protagonistic love conquest just literally came to life in your own backyard… I believe it’s called “love at first sight”? Well, I’ve never met this person before… But I’ve definitely heard of them.
When you spend what feels like forever looking for something and never getting it, it’s very hard to accept when that stranger finally does show up claiming to be everything you had prayed for (Hello! I’ve already given up?!?). It is hard to believe the validity and true intent of any and everything you encounter when you have spent more time exploring and repairing broken pieces of yourself than smiling and feeling genuine love with no strings attached. It is questioning the intent and sincerity of every poor soul you encounter and once you’ve pushed them away far enough, saying to yourself-see, I knew it was too good to be true, I knew no one stays forever (insert abandonment issues here). When so many perfect illusions quickly became nightmares that you couldn’t escape, it becomes impossible to trust yourself or your own judgement. And you suddenly realize, it is in the exploring of the heart that the innermost brokenness of someone truly reveals itself (something I myself didn’t even realize and boy, is it just awesome *rolling eyes). I feel crazy at times, most times… And it’s like a trainwreck that I see coming on but just cannot stop. I didn’t realize and definitely didn’t prepare for someone to come into my life and light up my darkness so bright that all of my broken cracks would slowly start to reveal themselves (YOU). Constantly being confronted by the detrimental behaviors that you induce within your own crazy mind (it’s like a mirror you can’t avoid)… I had done so much work on myself in 2019 and although I am prepared to grow and evolve even more with each day… I wasn’t prepared at all for LOVE to unmask so much more untapped brokenness that I hadn’t even uncovered yet (something so good shouldn’t make me feel or act crazy, right?). I really believed when God finally brought THAT someone into my life, it would mean I was ready… I love giving out the tests, not being the one tested.
When you break a bone in your body, it isn’t the bone itself breaking that causes the pain (go figure!)…It’s everything around the bone being disrupted that causes the pain. And after the initial incident, the reparative phase begins rather quickly within just a few days and can last for weeks (months in extreme situations)-and just like that, you are on your way toward healing… When one feels their heart or entire life is broken, it doesn’t quite seem to work in the same simple way. The depths of this type of mending pushes extremities to their absolute limits and this type of mending CAN feel as though the pain you are feeling will never end. I was just telling my mom yesterday that there were many, many, many legit moments in 2019 where I never thought I would ever see another happy day in my life again (and I was okay with that because at least I wasn’t still stuck somewhere I painfully didn’t feel I belonged.) I really felt what I was feeling would never end (and again, I was okay with that because while I felt I was still suffering, it paled in comparison to the misery I had been drowning in for years prior). I was so lost, I didn’t ever think I would be able to find my way. I believed this time had broke me for good and there wasn’t enough glue in the world to ever make me whole again (partial>wrecked). For me, it wasn’t so much the pain of actually losing someone but more so just the utter sense of lost I felt, in the ruins, I was standing there alone in. It was like I had given up on life in general because life’s disappointments had finally become just too much of a burden to carry. Where do you go from here? How do you even begin starting over? When you finally feel you have freed yourself from something so tragic, you never want to allow yourself near that kind of hot fire that once burned you so deeply and left you in complete ruins. This once bitten twice shy attitude of approach definitely bites you in the @ss royally and you take on this persona of constantly being your own worst enemy. It’s a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop-but in a bad way. For me, this is the self-destruction phase. Where nothing can possibly be as it seems and anything that seems like remotely smooth sailing warrants some type of self-inflicted drama… Survival mode is a real thing… It’s also really NOT productive so pick your poison I guess, huh?
When you never want to feel certain things ever again, you also prevent yourself from ever feeling anything at all. You are numb and you get comfortable in numb. Numb becomes safe and while you yearn for feelings other than numb at times, the fear of the pain now associated with love paralyzes you and the only thing that comes naturally is putting up defenses that ultimately spread like an epidemic that leaves you in the ruins that you started in. Numb is safe. I recently read a meme that said: “never get so comfortable in pain that you forget happiness is still an option” and that really hit home with me.
I’ve learned I am most comfortable knee-deep in pain, fight or flight mode, and surrounded by drama. Chaos is the only “love” I have ever known… And this isn’t just with the partners I’ve lost along the way, I’m talking this morbid illusion of what love should entail has been my flawed perception my entire life starting with my parents… A little girl who only associates love and affection with tumultuous hurricane-like conditions. Sad but true.
The number one rule to mending a broken heart is to go through it. This is also the most difficult task to do. This idea is as equally as challenging as it is rewarding. To vulnerably allow yourself to feel all the cracks that bring you pain and to then work through them in a healthy fashion while trying to unlearn so many things that while unhealthy, have actually been tools that have helped you through some of your most challenging moments. To explore the deepest, darkest crevices of your own brokenness and truly own the part you played while simultaneously trying to dig deep and also find forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for whoever or whatever has brought you so much pain. Forgiveness for life, so you can move forward peacefully and wholeheartedly.
There is no unobstructed path to self-discovery or healing and while I feel stronger today than I did yesterday (and most definitely stronger than me one year ago), the utter trauma of it all still has a stronghold over me often times taking the wheel. I am happy and I want to remain happy. I’ve waited my whole life for the fairy tale and now that it’s knocking I struggle with allowing it in and even when I do allow it in, I end up kicking it out. I was so afraid to start the story over again but I already like this new story better… I just hope I can have enough faith to allow what is meant for me to find a safe home in my heart without unwarranted evictions popping up sporadically… So cheers to staring over again, cheers to pineapples, cheers to the new chapter, cheers to patience, cheers to the new decade, and cheers to unlearning everything I thought I had to learn…