I have so much pain inside of me.
I never imagined myself having to UN-learn so much.
So much of my “learned behaviors” I’ve carried with me throughout my lifetime. Never did I make the time to re-evaluate if any of these behaviors needed to be unlearned. Never did I entertain the concept of unlearning so much of what has helped me move from chapter to chapter throughout a tumultuous life. Never did I take the time to dissect the inventory of my toolbox that I reference when I find myself in challenging situations. In panic mode. In survival mode. Never could I have imagined that something I once leaned on for support was the very thing holding me hostage in that space that I so wanted to run from.
It’s only once you find yourself in a situation with someone who doesn’t operate or tick off of chaos, that you quickly realize the dysfunction you exist in. That you crave to feel something other than pain. And yet the pain you feel is so deep. The pain you feel runs thru your veins. The pain you carry is the essence of you. No matter what they do it’ll never trump the pain. Nothing is ever good enough to ease the pain that plagues you. You become addicted to pain. Pain is the only thing that makes anything real. You pray you receive a love that isn’t associated with pain. But even the slightest indication of pain brewing sends you in a tailspin because all that past pain starts to burn. And it hurts.
It starts to suffocate you.
It’s easy to think you learn what you want to learn. You imagine a blank canvas and the world is your oyster to paint on that canvas whatever you choose. And everything will be beautiful and innocent. It’s much harder to digest that many of the behaviors that have been learned were out of sheer survival. Panic mode. Desperation. Many of these behaviors are detrimental to you and the rest of your life… You are not thinking this when you just want to stop the pain. Stop the bleeding. You learned something while crawling your way out of a situation you found yourself in that you don’t want to be in. You had no choice. You learn to process pain in whatever way eases that pain… You are not thinking if this is the right way to process. If this is the healthiest way. There’s no manual or guide on how to manage difficultly. You don’t weigh out if this is the healthiest way to process said pain. You aren’t thinking of the consequences 20 years from now. You are in pain and you want that pain to stop by whatever means necessary. You just want to make it stop. You suppress. You lash out. You get angry. You cry. You yell. You hurt yourself or others. You are drowning in utter despair. You need to stop the madness. You just want to be seen and heard. You want someone to hold you and take all the pain away… You want to be saved.
You push all this pain behind these iron gates inside of yourself. You work hard every day to keep those gates tightly closed. But every once in awhile you are tired and for a minute, you let up on that gate. You trust someone else to be the gatekeeper of your heart and they fail. They disappoint. They get weak. For a moment, you remove your grips from those gates to take a small break for yourself… Pain starts seeping out. Slowly by slowly until the gates have come down and pain is now flooding out of those gates.
There’s no control at this point.
Pain is coming out and going in every direction. I want everyone around me to see me, to hear me. To feel my pain. To make me feel like you feel my pain. I want to hurt you because I’m hurting.
You are now in panic mode. Survival mode. You crave destruction so you can see that your pain is real.
Something you work so hard to tame constantly but survival mode has now taken the wheel.
Survival mode is pulling at the straws that have gotten you through every other panicked moment. Every other painful moment. Every other disappointing moment. You are here again… Why wasn’t I enough? How could someone not think of you? Your feelings? Don’t you matter? How do you not matter?
Do what you do. Do what’s familiar. Do what’s worked in the past. Let your pain fuel your rage. Like a hit of drugs you’ve been craving for so long, all you want to do in that moment is to ease that pain. All you want to do is make everything stop.
Then you exhale. It’s all over.
Then you look around at the devastation and realize nothing’s fixed. The releasing of the wrath did nothing but destruct. You let your pain do what it does best and have nothing to show for it. You allowed your pain to steal everything from you. No one showed up. No one fixed it. No one saved you.
Pain stays with you. Whether it’s ruminating thoughts that manically steal your joy as they replay negativity over and over again in your mind or like a stranger you are able to hide from and pretend it doesn’t exist-only for so long.
Pain stays with you. Pain lives inside of you. Pain doesn’t go away. Enough years doesn’t erase pain. Time doesn’t ease pain. Writing doesn’t erase pain. Talking about your pain doesn’t erase pain. Pain is unforgiving. Pain is relentless.
I’ve only realistically really been diving into my childhood trauma for maybe the past year or so. I’ve never felt I had the greatest childhood, however, because of the perception of my childhood I’ve never received the true validation one probably would’ve needed to begin this healing journey a lot sooner. The perception of my childhood probably looks great. I remember people thinking we had money, I remember people assuring me that I was just spoiled rotten. I remember wondering as a child how money equated to a good and happy life? The way I looked always gave the assumption that life was good (again, I wondered how having a pretty face equated to being happy or why that gave people the impression that my life surely must’ve been good?). But I don’t remember ever feeling happy as a young person. I’ve ruminated alone in dark rooms all my life. Head always spinning. Manic thoughts always consumed me. I remember always wondering why I was here if no one wanted me. Why would God bless people with a life they didn’t even want. And where does that leave that unwanted person… What will the rest of that person’s life look like? Mind racing constantly. The voices never stop. Stir crazy. Anxious. Vicious thoughts replaying over and over. Music was my escape. I remember I could drown in song lyrics. I would sit in my dark room-with my blacklight on just spinning in thoughts of self-loathing. Feeling worthless. Reciting things that moved me, chanting lyrics that exhibited whatever pain was flowing thru me. Cutting was my escape. Controlling something. Feeling like you are letting all that pain out. Easing the pressure. My face never let on that I had such a dark side. That the troubled waters on the inside were brewing up constantly and it was only a matter of when and where that hurricane would surface. I didn’t come with a warning label.
I don’t know how to unlearn what I’ve learned to survive. I don’t know how to unlearn what has helped ease a lifetime of unbearable pain that’s always lived inside of me. Pain that’s grown with me through every chapter. I don’t know how to be ok with feeling so unloved. With having so many questions of why. With feeling thrown away. I don’t know how to decipher as an adult when someone is walking away to let a situation settle. It all feels like abandonment. It all triggers the same pain. I don’t know how to decipher that someone can love me if it’s not the way I understand love.
I hide it.
I smile past the pain and always hope for the best.
Then triggers find me. And when enough triggers find me I give in. Eventually, I give in. Eventually, the gates get too heavy and I’m tired. Eventually, I explode and I see red and I burn everything down around me until there’s nothing left. Then I sit in solitude. Feelings of guilt and shame becoming overbearing. Regret. No words. But all the while so lost. So broken. So much pain. All the while wondering why love didn’t and couldn’t just save me. Still that little girl hurting and crying for help.
I bleed positivity in an effort to pretend the pain doesn’t exist.
I smile past my tears and exude strength at all times to appear ok. I constantly flex my alpha to remind myself that I’m stronger than my pain. But I’m not. My pain is much stronger than me. My pain controls me. My pain suffocates me.
I have so much pain inside of me.
I thrive in ideal environments.
Who doesn’t… right?
It’s keeping that ideal environment that becomes challenging.
I’m so afraid of a not ideal environment because of my fear of those gates opening up and revealing the monster inside of me.
The second my ideal environment is threatened I want it restored immediately. I need it restored. I need to see effort. I need to feel something other than pain. And if I see it’s still struggling… Sometimes I can keep pushing-other times I just throw open the gates in an effort to hurry the painful process along. (Self destruct much?)
I’ve spent a year unpacking childhood trauma. I’ve spent a year of sharing my insides with a complete stranger and all thanks to covid it isn’t even in person-it’s thru a screen. I’m opening up and showing my guts to a stranger on a computer screen….
I started with all the obvious childhood traumas.
Strained relationships with parents who created an absurd amount of abandonment in someone who never asked to even be here. A lifetime of asking yourself why you weren’t enough. Why you weren’t enough for those around you to do better? To be better? To do right by the person they chose to bring into this world. Why couldn’t someone ever fight for me? Why if you love me, it hurts so much?
You spend a lifetime answering your own questions that you never received answers for. Coming to your own conclusions. Writing the story the best you know without the answers you deserve.
You move past pain and try to give yourself as much closure as you possibly can with the tools you have been given-with the tools you’ve picked up along the way. You never stop to re-evaluate if the tools you are using are doing more harm than good. It’s too hard. It’s too hard to admit that what you are doing isn’t working. Isn’t healthy. Because all you are really trying to do is survive.
I find myself still being triggered by these loathing feelings that I’ve spent a lifetime running from.
My pain only knows anger. Anger is my pains only friend. Destruction. Devastation.
I’ve associated love with chaos and pain for so long. I couldn’t possibly have recognized a healthy love-it just wouldn’t have been possible. Healthy love shouldn’t cause pain. Right? Shouldn’t cause disappointment ever. Right? I have love on such a high pedestal, I don’t think anyone will ever feel like they can deliver. Every person I’ve ever been with has said the exact same thing to me at one point or another… “I don’t feel like I will ever do or be enough for you”… No one ever feels they can make me happy. No one ever feels they can please me. No one ever feels enough… The same way I never felt enough.
People don’t trigger you… so I’ve read. Your own triggers trigger you. Pain triggers me. Even the smallest amount. Disappointment triggers me. Feeling unseen, unheard, and unappreciated all trigger me. All things I’m positive I lacked as a child while tryna figure this world out. All things I NEVER deserved to feel but did as a young person who should’ve been protected from the evils of the world. All things a child absolutely needs and deserves. Now I float around in life making men owe me what my parents failed to provide. What I can’t seem to provide for myself.
As a little girl, you needed someone to hold you. Tell you everything would be ok-no matter what. Someone to be there. Someone you know will always be there. Someone to choose you. Every time. Over anything. Tell you that your pain does not and will not define the rest of your life… Then you wake up at 38 and realize no one has ever said or made you feel safe. No one has ever said all the things you needed to hear. No one has ever caught you when you were falling. No one has held those gates with you. Many have helped open those gates and watched you scramble to hold it all together alone. No one will save you.
Maybe you get a pat on the back when you conquer one battle but no one understands the struggle. No one knows how hard is it when pain consumes you.
People with pain inside of them relate better to those with similarities but when that kaboom finally hits… those similarities are what burns it all down. People who don’t relate to the pain some of us carry-look at you with judgement. Look at you with disgust. You walk away with shame and guilt. You face that your way of dealing with chaos isn’t the right way and you are now being judged. There is no winning when you have so much pain inside of you. There is no way out.
For moments, you convince yourself that alone is the safest path. And you find your own happiness. You pursue your own happy place. Eventually, it gets lonely and you want to share this journey with someone or not be on a journey at all. But every time you think you are ready to embark on this journey with someone… similar challenges rear its ugly head. Deja vu. Your expectations become your own worst enemy. Your needs becoming challenging to fulfil and the disappointment is eventually equated as a lack of love. And then you find yourself asking the same questions the little girl asked, why am I not enough? Why am I not worth it? Why is this happening?
And you want to escape the pain yet again.
I’ve never challenged myself more to be different. To look at things different. To think differently. To process and move past things differently. But every so often my old ways win and I feel I’m back at the starting gate again. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being back here. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of regretting the actions that ease my pain in difficult times. I’m tired of the cleanup crew. I’m tired of having to recite bullshit to myself that I am enough. I’m tired of constantly battling the everlasting negative self-talk that lives inside of me.
I have so much pain inside me.
I don’t know how to be loved. I don’t know how to accept love. I don’t know how to love without rules. Milestones. Checklists. I don’t know how to free myself from this pain. I work endlessly to keep the pain at bay. I appease my pain. I distract myself from this pain. I starve my pain.
But my pain is always there.
Just like my MS.
I have so much pain inside of me.
Sadness is not good for the sickness, yet the sickness brings me so much sadness.
It’s so crazy how you can have so many good days and one bad one can take you all the way back to level one… Erasing all the progress you feel you have made… Leaving you feeling defeated yet again and desperately searching for the strength to avoid the rabbit hole of self-pity. It’s like when I forget to collect my daily rewards on Candy Crush and when I finally do log in-I’m back at day one-the starting line… It’s like working so hard to take those 10 steps forward and in an instant, falling 20 steps back… and desperately trying to remain motivated to keep pushing forward for another day.
Every day there are little reminders that remind me of a forever changed life (not just the no wearing heels part). Little post-its that metaphorically pop up everywhere throughout your day as subtle reminders that even on your best day/days this monster is never really gone and is always inside of you. Waiting… Always reminding you that it comes with the package (as if two baby daddies are not enough baggage to come with…) So, while you have done a great job at presenting your best self for someone, at some point you will be forced to open up your worst side so vulnerably. You have to disclose what could be the stop-everything-in-its-tracks deal breaker… Your dirty little secret will have to surface eventually-hi, I have MS and if you decide to be with me, it will feel like WE have MS.
Being naked is no longer the most vulnerable position you may find yourself in with essentially a stranger, now it’s sitting them down and trying to portray that you may LOOK fine all the time, but things aren’t always as they seem. It’s a morbid idea of almost talking somebody out of wanting to be with you and listing all the what-ifs that their future could hold and then asking if they still wanna sign up… It’s literally like talking someone out of wanting to share a life with you because you are so afraid of that getting taken away at some point once you’ve already become reliant on their presence in your life and you just don’t know how to allow yourself to let yourself get caught with your pants down again and stuck standing there, ALONE, looking at the ruins that you are once again surrounded by… You never want to start anything (relationship included) out of fear of failure because dependency takes on a whole different form when someone takes on the role as a caregiver. Your caregiver. You lose faith in people and in their words and you learn to depend on no one except those within your safe zone (this also prevents you from wanting to share or open up with anyone but those marked “safe”). You also don’t know how to let anyone new into the safe zone (circle of trust). And while every break up/failed relationship or idea of starting over can be detrimental in general, dealing with heartbreak and relearning to do everything for yourself when you’ve lost a critical caretaking piece of your day to day life is absolutely devastating and puts the pressure on those who remain around you tenfold (this was my 2019). I know I don’t want to put myself through this ever again nor do I want to subject my sons to this rebuild process ever again. I don’t know how to love without an insurance policy.
It’s the looking at someone who is telling you everything‘s gonna be OK but at the same time nobody knows what the sickness will bring in the future therefore nobody can say that you will be OK and is it my own insecurities that wants to push everything away NOW so that I don’t have to experience loss later when I’ve already become dependent or is it that I truly just feel sorry for someone thinking they wanna join this party and their kind, naïve nature that thinks they want to sign up for something and they really have no idea what it’s actually about. How can someone say they are willing to sign up for something when no one knows what it will truly bring? How do I believe any of it? What would it take to make me believe any of it? I don’t open up enough about the day-to-day struggles. I find it much easier, maybe it’s even a little deceit on my part, but I find it much easier to pull myself together and be my most presentable self for those few moments that I do share time with people outside of my home (get dolled up for isolated nights out here and there) and when I find myself having bad days or bad moments I go back into my little hermit shell and shut off from the world, not wanting to share that side of me with people, not wanting to explain all the weird things that are happening that I myself don’t even understand and definitely am not wanting to think about this being forever and possibly progressing to a more severe physical state down the road. No one can tell you they will hold your hand thru whatever life throws at you when they don’t know what life with be throwing right? How do you just have faith and trust someone’s words? You don’t… sadly, if you are broken enough or have been broken enough, the reality is you believe nothing. The reality is that if forever was meant to find you, it likely would’ve by now, right?
Is it a lack of trust I have in others that makes me question the sincerity in their words or is it simply the disappointments of life that has given me no faith in the longevity of anything including long-term relationships with other humans?
There are a number of awkward moments that two people will encounter at some point when you just start dating someone… Who wants to add onto the pile of awkwardness by inserting here I have a sickness and I never know how to warn you how to deal with it because I never know what’s coming and I don’t know how to warn myself of what tomorrow will bring or the next day or the day after that. And I definitely can’t tell you what 5 or 10 years down the road will look like with me… And I swear I’m not flaky and I know that I look normal but if I’m telling you I don’t feel right then please believe that I just don’t feel right and I don’t know when I’m gonna feel normal and I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling in those moments in any other way but how I have been dealing with it (420 all day). And that’s not really what I would consider “presenting my best self” either… The slope is unbelievably slippery, figuratively speaking.
Who wants to appear flaky and unreliable or possibly even disinterested in the very beginning stages but at the same time who wants to fully disclose what bad days truly look like or how you individually may choose to cope with your bad days… #ijustmedicatetothehighheavens
And even though medicating relieves me of some of the other ailments I may be feeling or dealing with, it is still not the state of mind you want to be around someone in especially when it’s still the beginning and you’re wanting to always put your best foot forward at any moment. Dating is for being cute and bubbly and experiencing all those awesome early stage butterflies and not for being transparent about an illness right out of the gate, while full of anxiety that something is gonna go wrong at any moment and you will be forced to share your secret anyway… but at the same time, I cannot just continue NOT telling people and then it’s a feeling of this constant grey cloud looming over everything because then I feel like everything is a lie. After all, a very critical piece of the pie is missing. So while everything may appear to be going well, I know on the inside about my dirty little secret and that it will surface eventually… I guess I just go off of vibes and however I’m feeling in those moments. Some people do make me feel comfortable enough that I can attempt to open up to them about something that still isn’t very easy for me to talk about (why I blog) and then there are just other people that I just don’t think that they would receive what I’m saying in a way where the feedback could give me the confidence that I’m yearning for or that it doesn’t change anything or the way that they look at me and then I am unable to bring myself to share anything with them.
I realize more and more every day about things about myself and also about some of the relationships I have been in, in the past because of the person I may have been in that chapter or that particular period of my life.
I realized just yesterday actually, that telling someone you are sick and having to explain that whole charade to someone brand new who’s looking at you look completely normal is way different from actually getting sick with someone from diagnosis. We took the initial hit together and we experienced all the changes overnight together both physically and required lifestyle changes and everything that I had to learn, WE learned and I got to learn with somebody by my side instead of now I’m just the teacher trying to explain intimate details of a part of me that I, myself still struggle with accepting wholeheartedly that all this shit really is a part of me forever . I realized why staying in a situation longer than I should’ve was easier for me to validate in my head back then, it was probably because subconsciously I knew not staying in that situation would leave me where I feel like I am at right now.
I feel like I’ve spent my entire life teaching people how to love me in my complex and dissecting true nature (make it make sense) and it got exhausting and so I gave up and just totally surrendered to being single and taking on the treck of life with MS alone just with my kids by my side. Now I’m realizing even the thought of being with someone, present day, will still require an immense amount of teaching… the only difference is now the energy and time I put into teaching someone will not be as easy to walk away from because the investment got much more costly for me. How can I dedicate time to teaching someone and showing someone all the intricate parts of my insides when I don’t get the crystal ball guaranteeing forever will follow suit?
I’ve realized even the very things that we may have prayed for, we may not be prepared for and this was truly eye opening for me. I guess I just always imagined things I prayed for arriving and everything else just being easy, everything just fitting, everything falling exactly into place perfectly… like the fairy tales? I guess it just didn’t dawn on me that something I’ve prayed for would still require work and would still challenge me constantly.
It is hard at times to not think: Is it my destiny to come up the runner up in the fairy tale? Was forever never meant for me? It is only through enough devastation, disappointment, and desolation that you start to really believe that maybe all people are not meant to have someone by their side through every chapter despite how amazing the warm and fuzzys feel when you do temporarily have that role filled.
The universe doesn’t always play fair, but it does have a sense of humor…
How would I NOT make the very first non-MS blog be about LOVE…
What is love anyway anymore? Is it all the love stories you grow up watching on TV? Is it the mother and father who didn’t stay together? Is it the miserable married people you look around and see every day but they get to check the “married” box? Is it a constant feeling of anxiety, butterflies, and feeling physically “lovesick” all in one? Is it this constant plaguing feeling wondering how one-sided this really all is? Is it something you just welcome in with open arms and with no preliminary interrogation process (pretend “jaded” isn’t a real thing)? Or do you question everything every step of the way ensuring they earn their proverbial stripes? Do you constantly test it? Do you push it away as hard as you can and see what comes back each time? Do you play the game of testing parameters and strength to see how long before it breaks? Or is it simply forgetting all you know and all the past hurt and just allowing someone to take your hand while trusting you will come out on the other side together? I do think it’s rather simple… I’ve just mastered making simple, complicated…
You ever just met someone and they instantly made you feel like every dumbass girlie movie, book, meme, and protagonistic love conquest just literally came to life in your own backyard… I believe it’s called “love at first sight”? Well, I’ve never met this person before… But I’ve definitely heard of them.
When you spend what feels like forever looking for something and never getting it, it’s very hard to accept when that stranger finally does show up claiming to be everything you had prayed for (Hello! I’ve already given up?!?). It is hard to believe the validity and true intent of any and everything you encounter when you have spent more time exploring and repairing broken pieces of yourself than smiling and feeling genuine love with no strings attached. It is questioning the intent and sincerity of every poor soul you encounter and once you’ve pushed them away far enough, saying to yourself-see, I knew it was too good to be true, I knew no one stays forever (insert abandonment issues here). When so many perfect illusions quickly became nightmares that you couldn’t escape, it becomes impossible to trust yourself or your own judgement. And you suddenly realize, it is in the exploring of the heart that the innermost brokenness of someone truly reveals itself (something I myself didn’t even realize and boy, is it just awesome *rolling eyes). I feel crazy at times, most times… And it’s like a trainwreck that I see coming on but just cannot stop. I didn’t realize and definitely didn’t prepare for someone to come into my life and light up my darkness so bright that all of my broken cracks would slowly start to reveal themselves (YOU). Constantly being confronted by the detrimental behaviors that you induce within your own crazy mind (it’s like a mirror you can’t avoid)… I had done so much work on myself in 2019 and although I am prepared to grow and evolve even more with each day… I wasn’t prepared at all for LOVE to unmask so much more untapped brokenness that I hadn’t even uncovered yet (something so good shouldn’t make me feel or act crazy, right?). I really believed when God finally brought THAT someone into my life, it would mean I was ready… I love giving out the tests, not being the one tested.
When you break a bone in your body, it isn’t the bone itself breaking that causes the pain (go figure!)…It’s everything around the bone being disrupted that causes the pain. And after the initial incident, the reparative phase begins rather quickly within just a few days and can last for weeks (months in extreme situations)-and just like that, you are on your way toward healing… When one feels their heart or entire life is broken, it doesn’t quite seem to work in the same simple way. The depths of this type of mending pushes extremities to their absolute limits and this type of mending CAN feel as though the pain you are feeling will never end. I was just telling my mom yesterday that there were many, many, many legit moments in 2019 where I never thought I would ever see another happy day in my life again (and I was okay with that because at least I wasn’t still stuck somewhere I painfully didn’t feel I belonged.) I really felt what I was feeling would never end (and again, I was okay with that because while I felt I was still suffering, it paled in comparison to the misery I had been drowning in for years prior). I was so lost, I didn’t ever think I would be able to find my way. I believed this time had broke me for good and there wasn’t enough glue in the world to ever make me whole again (partial>wrecked). For me, it wasn’t so much the pain of actually losing someone but more so just the utter sense of lost I felt, in the ruins, I was standing there alone in. It was like I had given up on life in general because life’s disappointments had finally become just too much of a burden to carry. Where do you go from here? How do you even begin starting over? When you finally feel you have freed yourself from something so tragic, you never want to allow yourself near that kind of hot fire that once burned you so deeply and left you in complete ruins. This once bitten twice shy attitude of approach definitely bites you in the @ss royally and you take on this persona of constantly being your own worst enemy. It’s a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop-but in a bad way. For me, this is the self-destruction phase. Where nothing can possibly be as it seems and anything that seems like remotely smooth sailing warrants some type of self-inflicted drama… Survival mode is a real thing… It’s also really NOT productive so pick your poison I guess, huh?
When you never want to feel certain things ever again, you also prevent yourself from ever feeling anything at all. You are numb and you get comfortable in numb. Numb becomes safe and while you yearn for feelings other than numb at times, the fear of the pain now associated with love paralyzes you and the only thing that comes naturally is putting up defenses that ultimately spread like an epidemic that leaves you in the ruins that you started in. Numb is safe. I recently read a meme that said: “never get so comfortable in pain that you forget happiness is still an option” and that really hit home with me.
I’ve learned I am most comfortable knee-deep in pain, fight or flight mode, and surrounded by drama. Chaos is the only “love” I have ever known… And this isn’t just with the partners I’ve lost along the way, I’m talking this morbid illusion of what love should entail has been my flawed perception my entire life starting with my parents… A little girl who only associates love and affection with tumultuous hurricane-like conditions. Sad but true.
The number one rule to mending a broken heart is to go through it. This is also the most difficult task to do. This idea is as equally as challenging as it is rewarding. To vulnerably allow yourself to feel all the cracks that bring you pain and to then work through them in a healthy fashion while trying to unlearn so many things that while unhealthy, have actually been tools that have helped you through some of your most challenging moments. To explore the deepest, darkest crevices of your own brokenness and truly own the part you played while simultaneously trying to dig deep and also find forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for whoever or whatever has brought you so much pain. Forgiveness for life, so you can move forward peacefully and wholeheartedly.
There is no unobstructed path to self-discovery or healing and while I feel stronger today than I did yesterday (and most definitely stronger than me one year ago), the utter trauma of it all still has a stronghold over me often times taking the wheel. I am happy and I want to remain happy. I’ve waited my whole life for the fairy tale and now that it’s knocking I struggle with allowing it in and even when I do allow it in, I end up kicking it out. I was so afraid to start the story over again but I already like this new story better… I just hope I can have enough faith to allow what is meant for me to find a safe home in my heart without unwarranted evictions popping up sporadically… So cheers to staring over again, cheers to pineapples, cheers to the new chapter, cheers to patience, cheers to the new decade, and cheers to unlearning everything I thought I had to learn…